Important Conversations: How to Talk with Your Parent About Assisted Living

As indications of physical or cognitive decline become more pronounced, it may start to feel like the best option for their continued health is to move to an assisted living community.

Talking with a parent who is accustomed to living independently about senior living options can be complicated and emotionally challenging. Your parent may feel like they’re being asked to give up their entire way of life. Or they may have difficulty accepting that age has made it harder for them to continue living independently. It’s a conversation that requires patience, understanding, and honesty.

Part of caring for senior parents means having difficult conversations about the best living options for them. And in many cases, making the move to a luxury senior assisted living community can offer them a wide variety of benefits beyond just a safer living environment. These communities make it easier for seniors to spend their time in rewarding and fulfilling ways while also providing them with an engaging new social environment.

Here are some tips on how to have a constructive and empathetic conversation with your parent about assisted living.

Identify signs that they may no longer be able to live on their own

Before anything else, you’ll want to have a clear assessment of your parent’s current level of health, well-being, and ability to live independently. Some signs of physical or mental decline can be obvious – a sudden decrease in mobility, for example, or frequent periods of confusion – but others can be subtle and more difficult to detect.

Through observation and conversation, look for signs that your parent may be having difficulties with tasks that used to come easily. These may include issues with mobility and balance, which can lead to more falls; changes in diet or weight, which may indicate that meal preparation has become too challenging for them; or getting lost while driving or walking in familiar areas.

Changes in their regular routines can also provide clues. For example, if they don’t see friends as often as they used to or avoid social situations they used to enjoy, it may indicate depression or anxiety.

Make a list of your concerns

If your observations lead you to worry about your parent’s ability to live on their own, the next step is to make a list of these concerns. It helps to write these out clearly and in detail; the more thoroughly you understand the reasons for your concern, the better you’ll be able to articulate them to family members.

Include recent incidents where you’ve noticed a decline in their health or consistent difficulties performing everyday tasks. You’ll want to be able to support your concerns with specific observations – for example, maybe they always need help getting into and out of chairs. It can also help to point out how these issues can get worse over time, often leading to more serious problems. Difficulty getting in and out of chairs may seem like an inconvenience now, but it could soon mean more falls and injuries.

In some cases, your parent may be more easily persuaded if they consider how their decline might affect others. For example, if they aren’t concerned that their decline in driving ability could cause them to be injured in an accident, they may be more responsive to how an accident might harm their passengers or other drivers.

Bring up the topic sooner rather than later

It can be hard to start the conversation about assisted living – but it doesn’t necessarily get any easier the longer you wait. Changes in a parent’s health or ability to live independently can sometimes have an impact on the range of choices available to them. Putting off the conversation runs the risk that an accident or decline in health may make the move to assisted living necessary. Conversely, the sooner you have the conversation, the sooner your parent can take advantage of all the benefits and increased safety that assisted living provides.

“You want to take a proactive approach as opposed to a reactive approach,” says Melanie Bedell, Coterie’s Vice President of Sales. “A proactive approach means seniors are still making their own choices about their care. When you’re stuck taking a reactive approach, you don’t have as many choices.”

Bedell speaks from personal experience – her father was living an active and independent life at 89 years old when a series of driving accidents and bad falls led her and her sister to talk to him about moving to assisted living.

Bedell says, “I told my father, ‘We’re going to have a tough conversation now about what to do next and you may not like it.’ And he didn’t like it. But in the end, he recognized that if certain things in his life are getting more challenging now, while he’s still relatively independent and healthy, they’re not going to be any easier six months or a year from now.”

Listen empathetically

Take a moment to put yourself in your parent’s position. What would be your concerns about moving to assisted living? What are you worried you might be losing or giving up? How would you feel about the changes to your daily routine?

It’s normal for people to be reluctant to make big life changes, so be open to listening to your parent’s feelings on the matter. Give them space to express their thoughts without interruption. The clearer you understand their concerns and emotions about assisted living, the better you’ll be able to help them navigate the changes.

If they’re concerned about how assisted living will change their everyday life, it can help to point out that they may not have to give up as many of their favorite activities and routines as they think – they may just have to change them a little.

Bedell says that one of her father’s main concerns was maintaining his social connections.

“He had a group of friends who would meet at the diner every week – they called themselves the ‘Dinersaurs.’ He was worried he’d lose those relationships, but the move to assisted living just meant changing the routine a little – getting a ride from a friend or having everyone come visit him.”

Highlight the benefits of assisted living

While transitioning to assisted living can be a significant life change, it can also be a positive one.

Luxury senior living communities offer a host of benefits for residents. Thanks to concierge service and hospitality staff, everyday tasks like laundry and cleaning are taken care of, giving residents more time to focus on what’s important to them. On-site exercise classes make it easy to maintain physical fitness, while book clubs, movie screenings, museum outings, and other group activities provide engaging opportunities to build new social connections around common interests. Other amenities include transportation service and gourmet meals that seamlessly blend nutrition and flavor.

For Bedell’s father, the move to assisted living meant new friendships and social activities.

“He thrived on social interaction, so living in a senior community was a much better option for him than home care,” she says. “It got to the point where whenever I’d call him to say hi, he couldn’t talk for long because he was heading off to do something with his friends.”

Before you talk to your parent, do some research into what kind of assisted living community might be right for them. Ultimately the move may enhance your parent’s physical and mental well-being while giving them more time and opportunities to socialize with friends and pursue their interests.

Stay focused on your parent’s needs

Don’t lose sight of why you’re talking to them about assisted living in the first place. During these conversations, it can be easy to get sidetracked or stuck on minor issues. This can be especially true if siblings and other family members are involved, each with their own opinions on the subject. Make sure to keep the discussion focused on your primary concern: finding a living situation that optimizes your parent’s health, safety, and happiness.

“It can help to frame this in the context of other moves they’ve made over the course of their life,” Bedell says. “After college, you have to find a place to live, and then when you start a family, you find a bigger place, and when the kids have all moved out, you might relocate again. This is just another step in that journey. Maybe your big apartment is starting to feel lonely, maybe everyday tasks are getting more difficult, maybe you don’t have as many friends nearby as you used to. A luxury senior living community can be the right solution for a lot of people at this stage of life.”

You’ll also want to take into account the different kinds of medical needs your parent may have. When looking into senior living communities, find out how they accommodate conditions like diabetes and heart disease. For seniors diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease or other forms of dementia, you’ll want to make sure a top-tier memory care community is offered.

Be ready to have multiple conversations

Figuring out when to move from independent to assisted living can be a lengthy and involved process. It may take many conversations over time to reach a decision that everyone agrees on. Even if these discussions start to feel repetitive, there’s value in talking things through and letting your parent take time to weigh their options.

In the end, the most important thing is that your parent finds a living situation that provides the care they need while enhancing their happiness and quality of life. And you’ll have peace of mind knowing that they’ll be living in a community that prioritizes their safety and well-being.